and other observations

I've Moved!

2009-07-26T16:20:00.001-07:00

To a groovy site created by my pal Josue. You can now find me here.

Blogger, you were swell. But it's time to get serious. Ciao!

Don't Wear Good Shoes

2009-06-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

This Friday Clayton and I are joining our friend Nathan in the Picnic Island Adventure Run.

If you're like me, all naive and innocent, you might think that sounds like a big ball of fun. So then maybe you'd sign up for it less than a week in advance. And then maybe you'd actually try to physically run 3.3 miles and end up wheezing on a bench next to the sidewalk you'd attempted to conquer.

Ok, maybe you wouldn't do that. But I would.

But Natalie, you think, you're a personal trainer! True, but I work with weights. My clients lift and push and pull and flex. They do not run. Therefore, I do not run. Haven't in about a year and a half. So when I took to the pavement on Sunday night for training session one, I wasn't expecting much. I was able to finish two miles without stopping, and that was beyond thrilling for me. The last half mile was particularly painful and I'm pretty sure a couple in their 90s walked past me, but I didn't stop. I thought this was an accurate marker of my current fitness level -- I'd be able to finish most of the race on my own and hopefully adrenaline would push me across the finish line.

And then there was last night. I stretched and prepped for what I assumed would be a 2+ mile run. How could I not add to my mileage when the race was only four days away? So off I went. And here's the take home lesson: never trust that first run. Your body is in shock for most of it and before it can realize that it should have completely shut down about 25 minutes ago, you're already back at home playing with your dog and massaging your calves. The second run? That's the truth-teller. Especially when the sun is shining and the humidity is ungodly. That's when you can expect to discover just how unfit you truly are. Or, in my case, just how far you can push those two puffs on the inhaler before the lungs implode. Turns out, it's only about a mile and a half.

So now I have three more days to "train." The tricky part is that the race isn't just straight running on a nice paved road. That would be too easy for someone who hasn't done a 5k in four years. This race takes you through water, under a cargo net, over hurdles, and God knows what else in those five kilometers.

Despite the sore back and burning quads, I am really hoping this race will kick start my running again. I was fairly consistent throughout college and have started to miss the runner's high. Not to mention it will soon require at least 3 miles to drain Bryson's energy. (He's about 40 pounds!)

And even if none of that happens, the free pizza and ice cream at the post-race party will make that asthma attack so worth it.

The Perks Just Keep on Coming

2009-05-13T19:25:00.001-07:00

For one of my classes we are supposed to come in ready to examine our virtual selves with the eyes of a potential employer. When I first read this assignment, a tiny wave of worry made me do a quick internal survey about the contents of my facebook page and this blog. It didn't take more than a few seconds, though, to realize that I was a rather poor excuse for a state university undergrad in terms of the number of pictures I have posted with permanent marker drawings covering my person as I lay passed out on the couch of a fraternity house. Whew. I guess I dodged that future bullet.

My curiosity wouldn't let me go before taking it one step further. I had to google myself. And then I learned yet another perk about getting married and changing your last name: it is basically a big giant virtual eraser for anything less-than-attractive that might appear online under your maiden name. Sure, my future bosses won't find that newspaper article about how I made those free throws to win the District Semi-finals my junior year of high school, but that's what a resume is for.

For Your Loss

2009-04-29T11:20:00.001-07:00

These last few weeks have been a not-so-subtle reminder that life can sometimes suck. The nice dose of reality amid happy, exciting changes in my and Clayton's life is that really shitty things happen to really good people.

It's always been this way for me, and I've been feeling guilty about the fact that the tornado always hits a few doors down from my house ever since I can remember. I'm close enough to understand just how devastating the damage is but somehow never get the eye of the storm.

I don't have much time to explain the whole situation now, but last Friday the husband of one of my clients passed away at 48 years old. I still can't really sit with the idea of losing your best friend and the father of your children only halfway through the life you had planned together. My heart continues to break for her and I am too far removed to really do much to ease her suffering. I've been praying, and my mind aches with the final answer that no, God will not save his life. I still pray, but it is with resentment that I now must pray for only her.

A Quarter of a Century

2009-03-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been a whole lot of free time to blog in my schedule these days. The new puppy has completely ransacked my former routine (not to mention one rug and a few socks) and requires attention almost every minute that I'm home. I knew he was going to be a lot of work, but this has been a whirlwind, to say the least. Clayton has been so busy with his new clinical rotation that he hasn't been able to help out very much. This means the 3am potty break is all up to me, along with the majority of the other 47 potty breaks and 12 carpet clean-ups throughout the day. I'm also having to schedule an hour during work to run home and let him out. This has probably been the most stressful part of all. One hour is barely enough time to take care of everything I have to do for him and me and then make it back to work on time. If there was any possible way I could downgrade to part time for the next several weeks, I would do it without hesitation. I am so scared of screwing something up in these crucial first weeks and ending up with a psycho dog that scares people away from hanging out with us.

Here's a more detailed summary of the last three weeks with Bryson Noa:
Rugs destroyed: 1
Pants peed on: 2 (Luckily they were on the floor, not on my person.)
Pieces of poop mistakenly picked up with bare hand when I thought said hand was safely behind plastic bag: 2
Numer of times hands have been washed: 372
Number of times I've stolen some lotion from the physical therapy rooms at work to cover dry skin from insane hand washing: 5
Number of days I arrived late to work during the first week of parenthood: 5
Number of days I arrived late to work since the first week: 5
Number of times I cried on the way back to work after my hour break: 2
Number of times I cried at work because I wasn't able to get home within Bryson's scheduled lunch time and was afraid I was throwing off his fragile routine: 1
Number of times I arrived home to find Bryson outside of his crate standing in a puddle of his own pee: 2
Number of toys Bryson has gotten bored with: 7
Number of "toys" Bryson has not gotten bored with: 10 (my fingers)
Number of times I have shaken his skin folds and told him he was the cutest puppy ever and all the other puppies were jealous of him: 35
Number of times I've melted when he wakes up and yawns with that high-pitched squeaking noise: 63
Number of times I've stared at him asleep and forced Clayton to come stare at him with me: 3
Number of times Clayton has asked me if we were about to be hit by a car, would I save him or Bryson: 1
Number of times I hesitated to answer: 1

I really do love him so so much.

On top of the puppy madness, Clayton's birthday is today! He is a whopping 25 years old (but can still pass for 18 when he is clean shaven). We are celebrating tonight at P.F. Chang's with a possible surprise after-party with a few friends and a chocolate peanut butter cake. I hope he is able to relax, if only for a few hours. Last night I brought home a pre-birthday surprise of York Peppermint Patties and a 6-pack of Newcastle. Sorry boys, I'm taken.

I really do love him so so so much. And just for his birthday, of course I would save him from that car. But he would owe me three more puppies in return.

I Blame the Pandas

2009-02-22T18:13:00.000-08:00

Late Saturday morning Clayton and I were lounging lazily on the couch watching Animal Planet. We became very entrenched in a show about giant pandas. It revolved around two pandas who had a whole host of volunteers monitoring them twenty-fours a day to answer the classic question: will they or won't they. While I was watching, I couldn't help but remember my New Year's resolution to start volunteering at the Humane Society. (OK, it wasn't so much a resolution as a thought that I had while coming up with resolutions and was too afraid to write down knowing that I probably wouldn't follow through with it.) So I went to the Humane Society of Tampa Bay's website to look into volunteer opportunities. After a few minutes of searching, I succumbed to the tempting link that's been in my peripheral vision the whole time -- "adoptable pets." What harm could there be in looking at some pictures of cute, homeless dogs? I started scrolling through the photos and cooing over every single one, forcing Clayton to look at them, too. It started out fairly harmless. And then we get near the bottom of the page, both of us looking now. There he was. Keegan was their name for him. I knew these people must be professionals in the way they caught this puppy in his absolute most adorable pose with the neediest little eyes looking straight out of the computer screen into our weak souls. We'd found our favorite. There wasn't much information listed for him, only that he would be available in the Mobil Adoption Center on February 21. Interesting, we thought. Today is February 21. One quick glance at each other and I was clicking away to find out what the Mobil Adoption Center was and what the best way to stalk it would be. And it just so happens the MAC was parked, at that very moment, at the new mall ten minutes from our apartment. After a few stuttered half questions, we were changed and in the car. We hadn't exactly decided why we were going to look for the MAC. Maybe we were just going to see what it was all about, maybe we were hoping to play with Keegan before they packed him back in the trailer, or maybe, just maybe, we were going to do something a bit more spontaneous.

We saw the tent several feet away, but it wasn't until we got closer that we saw a woman wearing the purple volunteer shirt holding a small, tan puppy with its head draped over her shoulder. We had only seen his picture for a few seconds, but we knew it was Keegan. We went directly to the volunteer and asked if the precious pooch in her arms was, in fact, the puppy we'd already silently claimed as ours. "This is Keegan," she said.

With knots in my stomach, a lump in my throat and not one single thing appropriate for a dog (much less an 8-week old puppy) in our apartment, we walked away from that tent the proud new parents of a 6 pound hound/retriever mix. An hour later, we were the proud new parents of Bryson Noa. Thirty-two hours later we are the proud, stunned, tired, terrified parents of a feisty yet sweet-natured puppy. We have no idea what we just got ourselves into.

It snot funny.

2009-02-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

Clayton: Can I pick your nose?
Me: No...
Clayton: There's a booger right there

I frantically begin swatting at my nostril.

Clayton: (Whispering) There's not a booger there. (Screaming) Haha, made you pick!

FYI

2009-02-10T18:55:00.000-08:00

If you spend $60 or more at Victoria's Secret, you get a free box of Godiva chocolates.

I'm just saying...those 4 milky, delicious, mouth-watering treats might just be worth all that lace and self-loathing.

The Difference Between Suma and Magna

2009-02-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl was here. Celeb-Watch '09 turned out to be a big fat bust. I didn't see one person who was even remotely famous. I was tempted to walk around Saturday night with my hood over my head and big sunglasses on and just see if heads would turn. Maybe they'd think I was Winona Ryder (after giving up cigs and consequently gaining 40 pounds). Or if I cocked my head just so maybe I could be mistaken for Katie Holmes (is it Cruise now? Holmes-Cruise? Like she was so famous from Dawson's Creek she needed to keep the Holmes. As if.), except that Clayton is like 9 feet taller than Tom Cruise and I'm like 9 feet shorter than Mrs. Cruise. Oh, and obviously uglier, but that could get handled with the "she's so much prettier in the magazines" angle. That night was the only time we specifically went on the search to find someone who might have ever appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Or, to find the mother load and actually see Conan O'Brien. Unfortunately, we didn't even see the guy that walks Conan O'Brien's driver's mother's dog. That we know of. It was still kind of exciting just being in the middle of something so big and famous. I've seen enough black and gold for about three lifetimes, but there was definitely an energy around this weekend that Tampa doesn't often experience. I mean, Meredith and Al were here for goodness sake. So, my grade for Tampa's Super Bowl XLIII hosting capacities is a solid B+. It would have been an A-, but after all the curse words I've used to argue how completely unfair it is to use A- on one's academic record when there is, in fact, no way to earn extra GPA points with an A+ to balance out that 0.04 deduction, I wouldn't even dare.

Getting My Feet Wet. In Flats.

2009-01-29T06:28:00.000-08:00

I was only on USF's campus for a grand total of 20 minutes, but it was plenty of time to remind me of all those irritating things I absolutely do not miss from being the new kid at college:
Parking. Parking. Parking.
Crossing the same street three times before finally turning my hand drawn map the right way to point me in the proper direction of the building I am looking for.
I forgot just how hot it gets walking around in Florida. To be more specific, I forgot it can be 85 degrees in January in Florida.
New places and strangers stress me out. This plus the heat is not a pleasant combo for anyone sitting next to me for an hour and a half class.

The culmination of the aggravation came when I finally made it to the third floor of the English building to find that the advisor I was there to see was out sick. Thanks for coming, but we can't help you. Try your luck tomorrow.

This is probably the worst thing of all about being a college student: the sheer helplessness. There was not a thing I could do to change the situation. It is this way during every step of the collegiate career -- getting a B for tardiness despite acing every test and assignment, disputing erroneous parking tickets and, perhaps the most infuriating of all, dealing with the financial aid department. You can only complain so much and plead your case so many times before realizing there isn't anything you can do or anyone you can talk to who really gives a crap about the grade you got in Spanish I or that your parking permit WAS properly displayed. You just have to deal.

So I walked back to the parking garage where I had paid for parking for 2 hours and swerved through what seemed like a million 18-year old pedestrians in Rainbow flip flops, half the girls looking like Mary-Kate Olsen and the other half like one of the Girls Next Door. I couldn't help but ask myself if I was completely certain that this is what I wanted to get myself into again. And it only took about a millisecond for me to answer with a resounding, unwavering yes!

I am headed back to campus today for another shot at meeting with the advisor (but not without calling first this time). After that, maybe I'll go to work or maybe I'll go pick up a new pair of Rainbows.

What is that You Express in Your Eyes?

2009-01-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I stayed up until 1am finishing the second book in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. As one of my friends put it, being a tween is awesome. And the somewhat embarrassing part was that I wasn't staying up to finish the book because I wanted to finally have it off my conscious and move on; I was up reading because I could not put the book down. Those were real tears streaming down my face when Lena found out about Kostos' baby mama, and I have no hormonal imbalance to blame that on. After I'd finished, I wondered how crazy I would seem asking Clayton to ride to Wal-Mart with me to see if they had the third book. But he was fast asleep on the couch looking too cute to bother with the gals' third summer with the magic jeans. So I took him to bed and we went to sleep.

Later that night, but not too long after I'd fallen asleep, I had a horrible dream. I wanted to get out of it so badly, and when I finally forced myself to wake up, I jerked my torso up and I think I might have made some sort of half scream/half cry noise that woke Clayton up, too. I wanted to tell him to go back to sleep, that everything was ok and I'd just had a bad dream. Instead, when I tried to talk, I could barely get out "I had a bad dream" before I fell to pieces. I cried for about ten minutes. I don't remember crying over a dream since...ever. I've had dreams where my mother had passed away and my cousins were getting eaten by King Kong, but nothing ever elicited genuine tears after I'd woken up. It was very, very strange. I felt, for the second time in a few hours, like a child. Turns out, being a tween is not so awesome sometimes.

Excerpts

2009-01-21T12:43:00.000-08:00

I had a very extraordinary few hours yesterday tucked into an otherwise ordinary day. I immediately wrote 2 pages about what had happened, and to spare anyone with feeling like they have an obligation to read all that, I am only going to share a few excerpts here.

Not even getting called to questioning for jury selection seemed unusual. (At my prior call to this civic duty, I was actually chosen as a juror.)...What was different, and still is as the leaves swirl about across the concrete streets, was the temperature. A recent cold front has sent Tampa into frigid and very rare near-freezing temperatures this week. I only ended up walking for less than a half hour at lunch, but I’d gotten a taste. And though I couldn’t indentify this particular feeling or pull, there was something I knew immediately – it was delicious.

I was free to leave the courthouse, free to leave downtown and the traffic, free to forget this excuse to not be at work, free to get back to whatever it was I had to get back to...I walked all the way back to the parking garage and even got in my car, all the while this familiar yet unfamiliar tug at my spirit lingered. The line of cars waiting to exit the garage stretched all the way to the third level, where I was parked, and behind my car, preventing me from backing out. I guess this notion of not leaving was really intent on my following through with it. So I did.

Though I had no specific destination in mind, each step had purpose. Each gust of wind that whipped over my face energized me. The weather and the greyness of the skyscrapers enveloped me, and at the same time transported me right out of this city into someplace else, somewhere distant and different and unknowable. The hopes and ambitions that began to pour over me were intoxicating. I allowed myself these dreams and let my mind open itself to the possibilities of this new place, these new streets. An unimagined life began to take shape. I wanted to hold my breath for fear that I might exhale this windfall of promise out of sight. At the same time I wanted to drink in these moments with unashamed drunkenness.

But for those few moments where I captured the excitement and wonder of the unfamiliar, I was happy. I was happy with strange weather and strange faces, with unrecognizable street names and storefronts. I was happy thinking if I am somewhere else, then maybe for a while I can be someone else doing something else.

I was experiencing this apparent life-changing transformation in my psyche, and the silent narrator in my head confirmed what I’ve known since high-school. So simply I thought, “I want to write about this.” I don’t know (or maybe now I really do know…) what the “this” is. Taking this thought in the most literal sense, I stopped into a cards and gifts shop no more than thirty minutes ago and bought the journal in which I’m currently chronicling the discovery of this very thought.

I’m certainly not a person who would be mistaken for a fanatic or a cook, but can such life affirming statements carry themselves to you through an unseasonably cold burst of moments on a directionless walk meant solely to postpone returning to the life you’ve found yourself in?
I don’t think I need to decide that tonight at 502 Sports Café. What I can fully attest to is that I am almost done with my wine, my best friend is on her way to have her own glass and this was one of the best afternoons I can ever remember having.

A Letter from Your Vital Organs c/o the Dept. of Child Services

2009-01-18T18:23:00.000-08:00

If you are in a car with all the windows up, and you have two children young enough to be in carseats in the back seat, please tell yourself and your husband to QUIT SMOKING.

Last Straw

2009-01-15T07:16:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of apartment living. I really really am. In the last six years I have had a multitude of living spaces, all of which came without a garage, and many of which that required me to lug my 15 bags of groceries a half mile or up a flight of stairs to my front door.
I have tolerated this current space at my maximum capacity, but yesterday I officially reached my breaking point. Some of the things that have been tolerated up to this point include: coming home to 18 stray cats prowling around our front door for weeks, ants and spiders, smelly cat man's apartment stench wafting up through our vents from downstairs, going over 12 speed bumps to get in or out of the complex, notices posted to our door about recent crimes committed in the complex, and (I really don't even want to admit this one) cockroaches. The first cockroach sighting alone almost sent me packing my bags and headed back to my parents' house. However, yesterday was the most obvious and hit-me-over-the-head sign that this apartment, or at least this area, has run its course. I was driving home from a different direction than normal after running an errand, and on the side of the road 5 minutes from our apartment there is a giant lighted sign usually found near construction sites warning you that there are workers ahead or the left lane is closed. This sign flashed an entirely different kind of warning. As I drove by, huge letters screamed three alternating tips to remain safe in my neck of the woods: "LOCK YOUR DOORS. SECURE YOUR VALUABLES. INCREASED PATROLS." And the countdown to Clayton's graduation and consequent salary begins.

Alternate Ending

2009-01-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

If I had to write an essay about yesterday it would be titled "Being Even Mildly Domestic is Exhausting" or "It's Astonishing What You Can Accomplish without a Three Hour Afternoon Nap."

Seriously, in anyone else's world, yesterday would have been a completely normal, productive day. But to me, who has gotten more than used to coming home from work and crashing on the couch with cereal and a throw blanket until about 9pm, it was brutal. As I sat waiting while my car's oil was being changed, I tried to read the book I'd brought with me, but at 3:30 in the afterrnoon I could not physically keep my eyes open. I even did the half second fall asleep followed by spastic head jerk to wake back up, much like what happened when I was riding back to school on the bus in first grade after a long day of playing outside and the bus would hit a bump in the road. Except back then, it was all of us who were yanked out of our short dreams to frantically look around as we slowly rememered who and where we are. Yesterday, I was the only one with the mini seizure, I was the only one wiping drool from the side of my face and off a page in my book. A little embarrassing, mainly because the book is actually interesting. So I took a little walk and pulled myself together for the duration of the wait.

I don't know why it takes so much out of me to get through a "normal" day. When I got home, I refused to take a nap because I'm fed up with feeling like I'm the laziest person (not to mention wife) on the planet. So, I kept going. I cleaned and organzied and straightened and read some more. By 10pm, I was positively spent. I couldn't help but think in the middle of all this, how in God's name am I going to get through being a mom?! It was a saddening and scary thought. If I can't get an oil change without passing out in the waiting room, how can I possibly manage one or two (or three?) tiny people and their needs on top of running an entire household?

And then I looked at Clayton. All of a sudden I felt such an overwhelming sense of how much I really do need this person. I can handle and do handle life, even when I don't want to, often times because of him. If I had his children, our children, then I would handle it because in their little faces would be his face, the face I saw last night. And that's enough to get me off the couch, if only for one afternoon.

I don't remember ever having told Clayton, out loud, that I need him. I've always had a hesitation about expressing that kind of dependency. But last night I was so gripped by this feeling and the fear of what life would be like without him, I wanted him to know how necessary he was to me. So, with all sincerity, I looked at him in the eyes and said, "You be careful out there. In the world."And that's why I write letters.

You Got It Dude

2008-12-29T11:41:00.000-08:00

I think the moment you have stockings hanging from a mantle with your names written in sparkling silver paint, your marriage is legitimized. And so it was for the Noa's this year. I will always remember this condo fondly if only for the simple fact that it gave us a real mantle over a real fireplace to hang our very first Christmas stockings.

On top of Christmas, lots of other exciting things have happened over the past few days. Here they are in no particular order:
1. The Dolphins made it to the playoffs. It might not sound like a big deal to you, but news like that in this household can put a certain husband in such a good mood that he will not only go to the corner gas station to get you milk because you want cereal right now, but he will ride there on your deflated bike and fill the tires with air. THAT'S what you get when the Dolphins make it to the playoffs.
2. My boss and one of my coworkers got married and, as usual, this group came to party. One of the greatest perks of my job is knowing that any extra-curricular event is a guaranteed good time. I'm glad to be at a place where I feel so comfortable with the people I work with. We call it a family, and that's exactly what it is to me.
3. Finally, after months of separation (the unintentional self-inflicted kind), I got to hang out with my friend Matt. There are some bonds that overcome space and time and some that do not. I don't think these outcomes are due to any coincidence, and I am so thankful that Matt doesn't let my poor call-back skills diminish our friendship. He is such a great listener that sometimes I forget to let him speak, but once he does, I beat myself up for not talking to him more regularly. It's trite, but I really don't know anyone like him. He's a keeper.
4. My brother's love life is stressing me out. I think I've cried more about his troubles in the last 10 days than I did the entire time I was dating Clayton.
5. Did I mention the Dolphins are in the playoffs?
6. We are heading to visit my in-laws on New Year's Day and are staying through the weekend. It just so happens that two of my favorite people in the universe will be staying 5 minutes away. Hooray!

I can't come up with anything else right now because the Full House episode in Hawaii is on, and my goodness have you seen Uncle Jesse's tan?! That plus Michelle's obnoxious one-liners is just way too distracting.

generation gap

2008-12-18T18:03:00.000-08:00

i had a follow-up appointment with my cardiologist this week to get the results of all my tests. and, as expected, my ticker's ticking just fine. better than fine considering i "burnt up the treadmill" during my stress test. (my doctor's words, not mine.) on the way home, i sent both my parents the same text to let them know that everything looked good. now, being a self-proclaimed english major (i didn't actually get the degree; i switched my major from english 3 years into college), i have a very hard time texting like a 13 year old girl would text, the way most people in the world text, the way that actually makes it time saving and more convenient than calling someone. instead, i like to spell out complete words and use proper punctuation. and only in the most desperate of circumstances will i use "u" for "you." so, the text i sent to my parents said "Everything was good with my heart monitor & echo." even using the "and" symbol made me feel guilty. a few seconds later, my dad sends me a reply: "Ptl." wtf is ptl? i thought for a few seconds, and then the 18 years of attending a southern baptist church and school kicked in -- ptl stands for "praise the lord." and then i thought, wtf is my 57 year old father doing making up text acronyms? i debated writing him back in case ptl really meant something else, like he couldn't talk because he was packing the luggage or punching tiny leopards. but i was distracted from making up my own acronyms when my mom sent me her text reply: "PTL!" it was one of the cutest things i'd ever seen and i couldn't help but lol.

to do or not to do

2008-12-13T08:03:00.000-08:00

i want this for christmas, even though i'm not very artsy or organized. maybe this is step number one in becoming mrs. artsy and organized. or maybe i will let it collect dust next to my collections of half empty bottles of puffy paint and multicolored construction paper. either way, it's freaking cute.

clayton is working all day today, so i made a list of things to do so i wouldn't be bored. blogging was most definitely not on the list. but it's not even noon, and i've finished half the list (said list had 4 things to do on it). tonight is my work christmas party, so the first thing i did this morning was make my secret santa gift. in the very unlikely chance that my secret santa has stumbled across this site, i will hold off posting pictures until after the party. it's called "secret" for a reason, and i only cheat at games after i start losing. item 2 was to order my brother-in-law's wife (not my sister, maybe my sister-in-law?) a christmas present. i drew her name at thanksgiving and had absolutely no idea what to get her, but this dilemma has allowed my relationship with etsy to evolve into something that will get me through many more of clayton's 12 hour shifts. i found a pair of earrings that will hopefully do the trick, and i'm really going to play up the whole handmade angle because she's very earthy and environmental. items 3 and 4 are work out and wrap presents. i'm still figuring out how to get out of those. i even called my mom to see if i could stop by and borrow some shoes/accessories for tonight. i am secretly hoping the 40 minute round trip to my parents' house will not leave me with enough time to be as productive as i'd imagined. however, there are 7 1/2 hours left until the party, so i may just have to suck it up and put on my sports bra and tennis shoes.

all that's missing is a pair of roller skates

2008-12-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

last week i had 3 different appointments at my cardiologist's office. on wednesday i had a stress test. it was the walk on a treadmill hooked up to lots of different machines kind of stress test. my supervisors never turned around so i couldn't try to walk backwards like bill cosby did during his. but i also didn't have any dreams about giant deli sandwiches, so bill and i really don't have that much in common. the nurse made some snide comments before the test about my doing strength training and not doing much cardio, so i had a little extra motivation to do well. my results were great and apparently that part (the "plumbing") of my heart is very healthy. i even used these results in my weekly newsletter at work to brag about the cardiovascular benefits of strength training vs. cardio. let's hope i don't keel over any time soon, or that article will really come back to bite me.

thursday i had to go get a 24-hour heart monitor attached to my chest. it recorded my heart's electrical activity for 24 hours, and i had to keep a journal of what activities i did. the whole reason i went to the cardiologist was because i'd been having palpitations. the purpose of the heart monitor was to record what was happening when i had a palpitation, and for me to write what i was doing at the time. of course, i didn't have any palpitations while i was wearing the monitor. so i had 10 electrodes glued to my chest and peeking out of the top of my shirt, i couldn't take a shower, and i had what looked like a 1985 cassette player clipped to my waist for no reason at all. radical. when i returned the monitor and told the nurse i didn't have any palpitations, she told me the next step would be a 30 day monitor. 30 DAYS OF THE CASSETTE PLAYER. so i said no thanks for now.

friday i had an echocardiogram. if you think of the analogy that the heart is like a house, the stress test studied the plumbing, the monitor studied the wiring and the echocardiogram studied the structure. it was basically an ultrasound of my heart. i couldn't help but think of being pregnant as i watched the picture of my heart on the little screen, especially when i heard it beating. as far away from having kids as we are right now, i somewhat understood how life changing it would be to see and hear someone else's tiny little heart on that screen. i also couldn't help but wonder why i spent 10 minutes methodically folding my clothes so the tech couldn't see my bra, only to have her come in and rub gel all over my naked boob for 15 minutes.

Christmas is all around us, and so the feeling grows

2008-12-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

Our very first Christmas tree is up and decorated and looking gorgeous. I can't stop looking at it. I don't know why this feeling lasts from year to year, in a struggling world, with seemingly worsening situations for so many people, but I really really love Christmas. Maybe it is because of all these things that my anticipation for these weeks seems to grow each season. Lights in sparkling colors make even ugly things bright and festive; making lists of presents to buy for people you love and imagining their faces as they open them has to make you all fuzzy inside; and there is something so beautifully innocent about the idea of being rewarded with gifts for simply being nice instead of naughty. Maybe it's the youthful part of me hanging on that just doesn't understand people who dread this time of year. But I'm ok with that. I hope I never understand it, and I hope it's never me who's complaining about having to buy so many gifts or go to too many parties or drink too much hot chocolate. This year is no different -- I am completely enamored with everything having to do with Christmas, even in hot, muggy Florida. So if you don't want your cup of hot chocolate, please pass it on to me because I just can't get enough mini marshmallows right now!

the doc suggested chocolate, too, but let's not push it

2008-11-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

i can't wait for my virtual high-five after i share my latest seemingly impossible accomplishment:

i haven't had caffeine in THREE days. not three minutes or three hours, but three whole days with zero sips of coffee.

i decided to end my eight year love affair with coffee and espresso a couple weeks ago after a trip to the cardiologist for palpitations i'd been having for a couple of months that had gotten worse. if you've ever been addicted to caffeine, you know that quiting cold turkey is basically like asking someone to hit you in the head with a hammer nonstop for about two weeks. i decided not to go that route but still cut back drastically right away. and after a week of bad headaches coming on right around 3pm (when whatever crazy addicted part of my body realized i was serious about not getting that skim latte today), i think i'm over the hump. getting sick actually helped because the last thing i wanted when i woke up with a sore, scratchy throat was something hot to drink. hey, maybe they should start giving all those meth addicts a sinus infection. i'll call the folks at "intervention" pronto. anyway, i'm very proud of myself and am already thinking how i can spend all that extra cash. (the weekly coffee budget really had gotten out of control.) i don't think i'm done with coffee forever, especially if i end up going to grad school, but i am officially no longer an addict.

BUT, when i do fall off the wagon, you better believe it will be for starbucks' toasted marshmellow mocha.

orphaned

2008-11-23T10:56:00.000-08:00

clayton left me home today to go watch the dolphins game. normally i would be with him, but a certain viral monster that has taken residence inside my sinuses does not seem to be moving out anytime soon. i think it sent some cousins down into my bronchioles as well. awesome. it's been fairly miserable in the noa household for the past two days, but mr. mom stepped up and cleaned the bathroom, washed the dishes, made me dinner and breakfast and bought me moose tracks frozen yogurt. yes, that is MY husband and no, i don't rent him out (unless the price is right, if you know what i mean).

i took enough meds and denied being sick enough on friday night to make an appearance at my boss' engagement party. had it been a normal party, i might have decided to stay home and get better. but this was the night that my very first pair of skinny jeans made their debut. some things are just more important than your health. also, i had promised one of my coworkers that we would get together beforehand and make travis and fiona t-shirts for their engagement gifts. with all those commitments looming over my head, i just had to suck it up. now, going to work on monday is a different story. i'm anxiously waiting for a reply to my desperate "please work for me tomorrow" email. i really don't think the clients will appreciate my hacking coughs two inches from their ears or the sudden nasal drips that come at the most inopportune times. it's just not good business.

update, a few months too late

2008-11-18T07:33:00.000-08:00

i'm still around, just not around here.

here are a few updates:
i got hitched in may, and i've loved every minute of being married.

i'm in charge of the whole personal training department at work. that came with a raise (in pay and responsibilities). i am still toying with the idea of going back to school; i just don't know what area i would pursue. i still feel like there are lots of possibilities out there, and i don't want to be committed to this position at this place indefinitely...even though it's an incredible opportunity.

leah and i have become best friends again, and it's so comforting to have her close by. however, i have a hard time not comparing her and mark's life to clayton's and my life. i forget the that you can do a lot more with two salaries than you can with one hourly wage and a bunch of student loans.

i got my hair cut. it's trendier than any 'do i've had before. i am pretty sure i need a whole new wardrobe to go with it; i see skinny jeans in my future. also, i have bangs for the first time since third grade. everyone likes it...except for my mother.

speaking of, i am very proud of my hard working mom for losing 17 pounds and letting me boss her around as her trainer for 30 minutes twice a week.

i miss my college pals a lot. i hate not having them around to be a part of the every day things. i still like to hope that one day we'll all live close enough to visit on the weekends. meet me in north carolina!

clayton has finished two clinical rotations and started his third this week. it is the e.r. rotation, and he was a bit anxious. but talking to him last night sounded like it wasn't going to be the hell he'd imagined. it also looks like the schedule won't be as depressing as i'd imagined. the shifts are 12 hours, but i think he'll only have to do 3 or 4 days a week. and thanksgiving gives us a break in the middle, so i'm sure it will fly by like the previous two.

i submitted my first article in a three-part series for the local magazine "tampa bay wellness." the editor said the content was great, so i'm excited where this could lead.

i've already run out of things to talk about. my life is more exciting than this, i promise.

and he's all mine.

2008-04-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

for the last couple of months, at any given time, i am most likely whining about how my cheap camera just decided to stop working 8 weeks before the biggest day/week of my life. i guess clayton was actually listening and, after an especially long whine session after my camera-less bridal shower, he told me he had bought a camera for us.

and then the best part (i hope this works because i've never tried to post a video, so i could very well screw it up, which would suck because it's like the whole point of this post) is when the camera came in and clayton sent me this to let me know. you should also know that it's impossible to not fall in love with him after you watch this:

all you have to do is call my name

2008-04-02T07:57:00.001-07:00

i am at work and i can barely keep my eyes open. so, while i'm supposed to be tracking our physical therapy stats i am instead writing to say that i can't think of many other times when i've needed a gilmore night more.

and my dvd player is broken.

i want to go to sleep!

white, simple, and a little cranky

2008-03-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

i had written a post for today, and it was all about my upcoming wedding and consisted of line after line of complaining and whining about pictures and details and blah blah blah. granted, it was all just venting and needed to be expelled from my heart before i literally threw it all up. but, after poking around some links to blogs with some actual substance, i read this and for some reason it made me take a deep breath and shut up. it's from an interview on jenlemen.com/blog.

"It helped me to trust that my book could only be written by me, and yours by you."

of course there are much deeper meanings here than writing a book or planning a big party, but today i am going to tell myself that my wedding will be the greatest to me because, duh, it's mine. i am doing it sincerely and creatively and with the constant reminder that it's all to celebrate getting to experience the rest of this life with clayton wylie noa. so yes. it will be just fine.

the girl version

2008-02-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

it's so hard to not get my hopes up about every one of them. any time there is a new development, i can't keep that little reflex from thinking "maybe she's the one!" i am starting to beg god to send her to him now. he is so ready and so deserving. if i could, i would create the perfect woman for him -- someone he respects who would instantly mesh with our family, someone who encourages him to be a godly man but allows him his faults, someone he loves more than he ever thought possible. i trust that she is somewhere. i just wish that she were here.

and i hate thinking about how if i am this anxious and impatient, it must be so much more difficult for him. it's about time he finds his clayton.

out. back.

2008-02-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

flowers are expensive. i don't get it.

my pecs and triceps are insanely sore. yes, girls have pecs.

my boss asked me to proof the sample of my very first very own business card. i have to stop myself from laughing at the "b.s." behind my name every time i see it.

it's getting hot outside, and that means it's going to be time to tan soon. unhealthy and dangerous yet necessary.

i drink too much coffee, but i am exhausted most of the time. 4:30am is feeling earlier and earlier.

i am trying to get as much done for the wedding as i can right now. i want to be able to enjoy that time when it gets here, not run around with a million things left to do.

when i think about may 9, i can't stop smiling. i am so, so excited.

and a happy new year

2008-01-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

so i tried on my wedding dress this week. i had it on for thirty seconds and was ready to take it off. i know this is my first time trying on my very own wedding dress, but i'm pretty sure that's the opposite of what you're supposed to feel like. i don't really know what to do about it now. after that, i just stopped thinking about wedding things for the rest of the week and wished i had a wedding planner. i think it was all too easy at first. now it's almost four months away and there's a crapload of stuff to do and i'm terrified it's not going to get done. i am meeting with the seamstress next wednesday, so hopefully she can make me love my wedding dress. because i think that's how you're supposed to feel about it.

speaking of, we are going to tallahassee today for dorian and matt's wedding. i am more excited about it than i thought i would be. it will be nice to party a bit before clayton starts school again on monday.

let's just say it: i am kicking ass at work. i interviewed someone this week! as in, i sat in the big chair behind the desk and asked someone questions and took notes. there are three more scheduled for next week and i will be involved in those, too. it feels like a big deal, so i'm pretty excited.

i'm getting married this year!

"when you get back, it's on."

2007-12-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

i had to edit my last post. i had a long talk with her today and got caught up on all her wedding planning drama. if i were her, i'd be getting married tomorrow to avoid one more second of that craziness. she doesn't deserve an ounce of the garbage that she has to deal with. i hate it for her, and it makes me want to just hand over my pre-packaged wedding so she doesn't have to go through what is, unfortunately, in store for her in the coming months. clayton and i should count our blessings.

pace was pace. being with clayton was fantastic, but we both know there is a definite time limit on spending time there. oh, and hooray for seeing nicole and josh THREE times!

christmas doesn't feel like christmas when:
a) it's 80 degrees outside
b) i'm working the day before and the day after and
c) i'm not with him.

gadets and gizmos aplenty

2007-12-19T07:18:00.001-08:00

i am in pace. sitting in the corner of the kitchen on the computer while clayton sleeps. thanks to my new work schedule, i can't sleep past 8:15am, even when i'm on "vacation."

i was supposed to leave thursday because i was scheduled to work friday morning, but my boss sent me a text (because we're that close) saying that i could have friday off if i wanted. knowing that nicole and josh will be five minutes up the street for the rest of my stay here in pace makes that offer very tempting. even though i'm already broke enough without taking an entire week off. it's only money, right?

we are trying to get a lot of stuff done for the wedding while clayton is out of school. so, we have entered that overwhelming and exhausting world of registering. yikes. i think you really have to be an organized, responsible adult to make any sense out of walking around a huge store with the knowledge that you can ask for anything that might seem reasonably useful to you. it took us hours to navigate the cookware section of bed, bath and beyond. and don't even get me started on the kitchen gadgets. it was fun for the first two hours, until we realized we had only scanned like 12 things and we needed enough gifts for 170 people to buy. also, it was a little depressing to do all that work and still leave with nothing to show for it. i think they should let you keep the scanner. the next day we did it all over again target. and we are still about 100 gifts short of our guest list.

they are engaged. it happened last friday night and a few of us were there afterwards to celebrate. if i am being honest, i am completely happy for them. she had to spend years of her teenage and college life wasting time on that other guy who was never anything more than a total ass. she deserves a million times better, and he is absolutely crazy about her. so i love that she has found someone who will be a man for her and consider what she needs. he is husband material. i love her and i love him, and i am extremely happy for them. it will just extend the partying through june.

sweet-tart.

2007-12-05T17:20:00.000-08:00

it has been exactly two weeks since my best friend asked me to take his last name. since then i have found:

a ceremony site
a reception location
a date that both are available
a wedding dress
a florist
a dj
a potential bridesmaid dress
and a potential photographer.

november 21, 2007

2007-11-24T06:15:00.000-08:00

was the best day of my life. so far.

help wanted

2007-11-19T15:58:00.000-08:00

i need someone to tell me something, anything, that will make me take a deep breath and get on with my life just as it is.

this is why he needs me

2007-11-17T12:52:00.000-08:00

clayton was shocked and in utter disbelief when i informed him that black and brown do not match. i told him this has been a hard and fast rule since the beginning of time -- it's why you have to have both a brown purse and a black purse, a brown belt and a black belt. they are simply mutually exclusive. he still looked skeptical as we walked out of target, but he definitely didn't buy that belt to wear with those shoes.

i promise it would be an honor and not even a hint of a hassle.

not enough snooze buttons to go around

2007-11-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

coach
encourager
teacher
friend
drill sergeant
motivator
example
nurturer
biotch

i get to be all these things at some point throughout each day. every client needs me to be something a little different. it is rewarding to think that i am a small part of someone's quest to gain control of their health and, eventually, their life.

however, i could not care less about any of these roles when my alarm clock goes off every morning at 4:10am. why can't people wait until 9am to take control of their lives? those poor 6am clients -- they definitely get very little of the motivator and mostly all of the biotch.

2007-11-14T14:03:00.001-08:00

what the hell.

what you didn't know

2007-11-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

my mom and my brother were both very surprised when i told them, separately, that i will probably be married within the next year. i didn't understand why they'd be so shocked, and then i realized it's because i'm not even engaged.

can you please stop picking out dates and start picking out rings?

clayton was supposed to come over thursday night, but one of his tests got rescheduled for friday morning, so he can't. this is crap. this makes four weeks in a row that we didn't see each other until friday night. we should just move in together already. did i mention this is crap?

2007-11-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

i recommend:
- having friends from college visit for the weekend
- sucking it up and taking your asthma meds when you're supposed to
- making that bag of candy corn your boyfriend bought you last as long as possible
- wearing jeans that make your butt look good
- volunteering somewhere that has a purpose and a message you believe in
- sharing lunch with a friend you've had for 19 years and a friend you've had for 3 years
- good talks with your best friend's boyfriend in comfy chairs in the church lobby
- really trying to love and serve people like jesus would have
- talking your boyfriend into buying the shirt that makes his eyes look like the pacific ocean
- coming to terms with the fact that you can love him just as much even if he's still just a boyfriend
- going to your 1 year old cousin's princess themed birthday party
- working somewhere that gives monthly bonuses
- working somewhere where you can work out for free
- being in a good mood, even if you're not in a good mood

in the colors

2007-11-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

this has made me happy every day that it's been the background on my computer. it's even better with the song that goes with it, but some things are just for the two of us.

"don't worry. we'll be dancing soon."

2007-11-05T13:49:00.001-08:00

my sweet boyfriend is so incredibly thoughtful. he made me cry at work last week...in a good way.

what is "soon?" i've heard it so much it's lost all meaning.

clayton and i have come to the startling realization that if we don't have enough money to live together, then we can't live together. seems simple enough. but when i've been waiting this long for one thing to happen, the thought of having to wait longer even if it did happen is depressing.

so howl-o-scream was hilarious. we had so much fun. everything, and i mean e v e r y t h i n g scared me. i screamed so loud in one haunted house that my chest hurt for the next ten minutes. we had to grab some water and sit on a bench since i had just taken about seven years off my life. i had to keep telling people behind us, "yeah, i'm that girl." and in most cases, the people behind us acting a thousand times calmer than me were about twelve years old.

i love weekends. i get to see clayton three days in a row. unthinkable! friday we met and bought josue and tracy's wedding gift and then ate dinner at ballyhoo. i was craving salmon. saturday i went to lauri's baby shower and got to feel like a grown up. mimosas and quiche will do that to you. then clayton and i went to lake park and walked the trail because it was absolutely gorgeous outside. there was a big muddy puddle at one part that had branches lying over it so we could cross. clayton decided that he should carry me while trying to navigate across the branches. i thought that meant to start getting ready to walk around for the rest of the night with muddy jeans because we were for sure going to fall in the puddle. little did i know that clayton has otherworldly balance and scooted across brilliantly. we met nathan to watch the first half of the fsu game. we tried to get him to come to the bee with us, but he wasn't up to it. i mean, who would be excited about a spelling bee except me and nicole? i think others were excited about the drinking. me? i was excited about the s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g. what a nerd. sunday clayton and i sat out by the pool because the weather was perfect. he stayed and studied while i took my mom to show her my job and how it all works. later, clayton and i went to church. io still doesn't really feel like my thing, but i love the worship and i get to see leah.

mom wants to take a walk and i want to take advantage of the weather.

chased by a glass of cheap red

2007-11-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

dear nat,
in honor of your new job, we have waited exactly one day after you deposited your first paycheck to give you a nice surprise: you get to take over every single payment that we have been making for you starting, like, now. consider it a halloween present. so it looks like you'll have to rearrange that cute little budget you had originally made and forget about silly categories like saving for your honeymoon and moving out and eating. we have cleverly made it so that you won't have to worry about what to use extra money for because every dollar you make is accounted for. you're welcome. and don't worry about possibly having to wait even longer to get married -- what's a few more years anyway?
love, mom and dad

taking it out on the rest of you

2007-10-26T15:40:00.000-07:00

we're getting ready to leave for hallow-scream. i was excited about it, but now i'm pretty exhausted from being at work at 6 every morning and working lots of unexpected hours this week. who knew 6-3 meant leaving at 3:45 or 4:45 every day? at least i like it.

ok, so i'm mainly worried about getting scared and making a complete idiot out of myself. let's be honest. and i'm meeting some of clayton's school friends so i have to put on my pretty face.

tonight is the first time i've seen clayton since sunday. unacceptable. i'm not letting him go for the next 72 hours.

i've got a symbol in my driveway

2007-10-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

clayton and i are playing hooky from church today. he stayed at my house last night and isn't really a fan of showing up to church in plaid shorts and flip flops with no gel in his hair. i told him that's how 90% of the people at grace look, but it's still a no go.

this weekend has been strange. it's been great to see clayton for more than two hours at a time. we even went on a date friday night and had so much fun being silly. but last week i had a little meltdown because yet another couple is soon to be wed, surprise surprise, and he's been trying to make me feel better about everything by talking about dates and schedules and how he could shorten the lease on his new apartment if he had to. it's good to hear that he's thinking about all of that, but i'm not going to be the girl who plans half of her wedding before she's even engaged. i'm not booking any locations and i'm not trying on any dresses until there is a ring on this finger, sir. he just doesn't get that i don't need some huge spectacle. it feels like because we are the last to "wrap this up" and have been together the longest, everything we do has much greater expectations. if nothing else, i know he feels that way about proposing. the funny thing is, i am so beyond ready for him to just do it because we've been together so long, but he feels like he needs to take all this time to plan something amazing because we've been together so long. ah, the catch-22 of it all.

anyway, i could go on forever about that. but i don't want to. i really really like my job. every single person that i've worked with has come up to me and told me that they are so happy to have me and that i'm picking things up really quickly. my boss left on friday afternoon and i was the only trainer there for the last four hours. um, i guess he trusts me. and i told him last week that i was an english minor, and you could see the wheels spinning in his head. he mentioned something about writing the newsletter. finally i'll be getting something more out of those english classes than a date with the teacher. (true story. and if you know me, you know it's one of my all time favorites.)

2007-10-17T15:27:00.001-07:00

i am so so happy for you.

but it hurts my heart every day that it's still not me.

even if i don't have to, i do

2007-10-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

today my boss let me train clients all by myself. he went and bought me a coffee while i was doing it. i think i am going to like this job.

i am obsessed with this song right now. if you heard sharin sing it, you would be, too.

I have to believe that He sees my darkness
I have to believe that He knows my pain
I have to lift up my hands to worship
Worship His name
I have to declare that He is my refuge
I have to deny that I am alone
I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains
It's where my help comes from
He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
And if He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move Your mountain too
I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong when I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, hold of the garments
Garments of praise
I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight
He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole
I have to believe

working girl

2007-10-15T16:37:00.000-07:00

today was my first official day on the job. not too much to report; i'll just be observing this week. i can confirm that i will definitely need new shoes that look good with dress pants but are super comfortable. oh, and stunningly cute, obviously. my boss put me through a workout tonight. while it only takes 20 minutes and you don't really sweat all that much, the muscles we worked are still a little shaky almost 3 hours later. that's a pretty good testament to the program. also, cardigans!

clayton has midterms this week. and next week. and for the next 6 weeks after that. i detest p.a. school (until i'm living off that p.a. salary). but i love that boy.

i called him right before i went in to work out with my boss. i was pretty nervous because i didn't want to embarrass myself and pass out or something. of course he said i'd be fine. and then he called me "his little hercules". and i thought it was the cutest thing in the whole world.

no, you don't understand.

2007-10-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

i just finished signing up clayton for his very first, very own myspace account! i should mention that he
a) is not here and
b) has no idea.

i'm getting desperate.

i finished my to-do list in thirty minutes.

2007-10-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

today i had to walk 5 blocks to my car to put more money in the meter after being at work for two hours because all the 12 hour meters were taken. luckily, the car directly in front of mine had left, so i got in my car and pulled it forward exactly one space, from a 2 hour meter to a 12 hour meter. instead of being worth 50 minutes, my quarters were now worth 2 hours each. a huge difference, i know. then i walked 5 blocks back to work. luckily, i am in a very good mood because i am working today, so the sweat forming on my forehead during all this nonsense (because it was 3pm and florida has chosen to ignore the change of seasons) didn't bother me.

there are four plastic viking helmets, horns included, under my desk. they have been there since i started, but i have yet to ask what purpose they could possibly serve. and the funny thing is, no one else has mentioned it either. i think if someone new started working and you knew they were going to be accidentally kicking these ridiculous plastic horns all day, you'd at least let them in on the joke. but that's just me.

ring watch '07

2007-10-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

so, if anyone is thinking about unemployment as your life's next great adventure, STOP.

sometimes i feel like this is all a big joke. like maybe our friends all got together one night really late and said, you know what would be hysterical? if we all got married before natalie and clayton, even if we're only dating someone for 3 months. and everyone chimed in and high-fived and it was settled. i feel like clayton might have even been there agreeing to the whole thing as an excuse to postpone the rest of his life. it was cute and all about a year ago. now it's not so funny.

i don't like where my mind wanders to when i have nothing to do. it's unsettling.

friday night clayton went to dinner with me, leah, and dara. i think that was his initiation into our club. a little too easy if you ask me, but he's got a lot to deal with right now. later we met nathan and some of his friends at this oktoberfest thing. i tried to get in the spirit, but i was so not feeling like oktoberfesting.

do you ever feel like everyone you know has closer friends and more fun than you do? i've pretty much felt that way since i moved back home. college is mean. you meet all these great people for 4 (0r 5, as the case may be) years. then you graduate and separate to opposite sides of the state (or country, as the case may be). and it's never the same again. i think watching all the fsu games from a couch instead of next to sweaty drunken fraternity boys has made me nostalgic. and i don't even like sweaty drunken fraternity boys.

i have way too much time on my hands.

i get the feeling he means it

2007-10-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

"i love you. a bunch a bunch."

claytey, i love you a bunch a bunch, too.

perspective.

2007-10-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

i don't have a job.
i am 23 and living with my parents with no immediate plan for relocation.
my boyfriend of 4+ years is completely evasive during my many hints about commitment.
it has become necessary to implement a 2-cups-max rule when it comes to my coffee addiction.

but you know what? i'm happy.

an answer, a sigh, a celebration

2007-10-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

"Please give us a call tomorrow for your results.

They're good."

life without a laptop

2007-09-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

tuesday or wednesday could change my life. or not.

i didn't realize how the smallest things could do such a beautiful job of taking my mind off everything i absolutely did not want to spend the weekend obsessing over. peace comes in the calmest of ways, from the unlikeliest of people in the simplest situations.

a fruit salad, an assortment of beer, and a tank top. and it was everything i needed. football began and the worries were put on hold.

the week will inevitably be unbearably long. but i am ready.

take me out to the ball game. or just take me out.

2007-09-26T21:26:00.000-07:00

tonight was simple and splendid. just plain old fashioned girl talk about boys and relationships and love. instead of thinking about it or talking about it, i got to talk about the first time i met clayton. i'll take it.

i just need nine more days' worth of talks and games and laughs and distractions because sitting at home all day fighting with every ounce of myself to ignore the what if's is hard. really really hard. and i don't want to be dramatic or overreact, but i can't even bring myself to say the words out loud. i just have to convince myself that i can be strong and still cry; i can have faith and still be scared. and there is no need to worry until there is something to worry about.

he has no choice but to be absent when i need him the very most. and i've stopped whining but i hope when it's all over i can forgive him for that.

2007-09-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

my soul waits in silence for god only; from him is my salvation. he only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; i shall not be greatly shaken.
psalm 62:1-2

if only for a while

2007-09-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

he came. and he picked up the pieces. i think the most comforting thing of all was knowing, deep down, that he would.

i had to get outside and get my mind off it all, so i went for a run. after a lot of head clearing accompanied by a lot of ben harper in my ear, i turned down my street, and there was the prettiest blue x-terra i've ever seen in my driveway. i didn't even ask him to. so we hugged and talked and he studied and i read glamour. it was the best feeling in the world to peek over the top of my laptop or magazine and see his face. no more tears after that.

then he left. and it all went to hell.

are we falling or flying?

2007-09-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

I am breaking into pieces
and you’re not here to catch them,
making the free fall feel like eternity.

Already offered a confident answer and reassuring smile
but that tiny piece of paper
with the messy handwriting tells a different scary story.
Three weeks is a lifetime
to wait for confirmation everything’s fine.

You’re not here to catch the pieces
making the free fall feel like
falling falling falling.

my name is natalie, and i have asthma.

2007-09-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

well, i know there is "a plan." what i absolutely, frustratingly don't know are what that plan is or when it will be put into effect.

we finally used the kayaks! and how fun. and a little scary being so low in the water. we put them in the lake across the street from clayton's house. maybe next time we'll be brave enough to go in the bay. clayton even let me tie our kayaks together so we didn't have to be so stinking far away from each other. and so he couldn't go looking to molest the alligators and die. when that got old, we raced back to the dock and got in the canoe that was left there. that was nice because clayton got to do all the work while i just stared at his pretty little face. i love learning new things about him after all this time. and that's what i did, right there in the middle of the lake at dusk.

on friday i had a doctor's appointment because my chest was hurting so bad on thursday i had to leave work and cancel my "6 pack abs" class. (i was a little bummed about that, but i was really scared.) so, he increased the strength of the medicine i'm on now and gave me something new to try in addition to it. and we will just see. i hate being not healthy. i hate having to rely on medicine to get through a day. my mom made me realize that i really have been in denial about the fact that i have asthma. i've been trying to act like it wasn't true and not taking my medicine regularly, probably trying to prove that i don't need it. but i do. and i hate it, but i hate shooting pains in my chest more.

AND, it's time for me to (gasp!) cut back on the coffee drinking. i know it can't be helping. it makes me so so sad.

also on friday i scheduled a spur of the moment interview for that afternoon with the superintendent of hca. it was the only interview that i've ever left not really knowing how it went. honestly, it felt so surreal to be sitting in an interview to be a teacher. a teacher. the whole time i just felt a little out of place, in the school, with the principal, trying to answer these questions that i've never thought would apply to me. i don't know how i feel. i don't see them offering me the english position because they seem to like the guy that is already doing it. but i am pretty sure they will offer me the pre-algebra/algebra classes that my dad had to start teaching because they didn't have any applicants. so not only would i be teaching, i would be teaching 7th-10th grade math. what?! time to start channeling my inner mr. robinson. the bottom line is, i don't know if teaching is something i should do simply because i'm desperate.

but with no shifts this week, i'll have plenty of time to mull it over.

2007-09-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

but when he looks at me with those eyes, like that, i can see our future. and it's all ok.

i am just way too overqualified for this

2007-09-19T09:56:00.000-07:00

my dad is currently on his way to his school with my application for a teaching position in hand.

eek.

i am only slightly terrified.

why a puppy would be so handy

2007-09-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

everything i did today started out being really exciting and ended up being really disappointing.

hair cut: had to schedule a follow-up fix-it for tomorrow once i got home and looked at it.

massage: apparently, i am way too tense to really feel anything after one session. i also find it difficult to relax when i am topless.

looking at rings with mom: mom tried on twice as many rings as i did. mom left with a business card that had the rings she wanted to buy for herself on it. i left biting my tongue.

mall with leah: zero catching up. surprise (to me) appearance by mark left me in the third wheel position. bailed.

wok-n-roll

2007-09-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

i found this on jessica's flickr. the title was "bff." it made me remember that despite all the bitterness that is left from those years, we had some of the greatest, most genuine, jaw-breaking, tear-inducing, laughing-uncontrollably times i have ever had. it also reminded me how i much i still miss her.

silent sufferer

2007-09-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

me: i hate p.a. school.
clayton: me too.

to put it vaguely, this weekend started out not so great, which was a lot of my own fault. but by the time i got home tonight, it had turned itself around almost completely.

last week i saw this thing on one of clayton's shelves. it was shaped like a little box, but it was wrapped in what looked like a ticket to a football game. when i looked closer, i saw that it was definitely a small black velvet jewelry box. but i fought the urge to open it. of course, the next few days were consumed with thoughts about what was in that little black box. this weekend, after it became painfully apparent that it wasn't going to be the weekend, i caved and opened the box when clayton was outside. and we can all collectively exhale because what sat staring back at me was the huge, gaudy gator bowl championship ring from 2005 that clayton got for being a trainer that year. i think it was finally the slap in the face i needed to just let it go. and after i had a good little secret cry, that was the moment the weekend took a turn for the better.

some other things:
- my cousin is hilarious.
- fsu should have scored about 80 points on saturday. but we had to settle for 16.
- i like football season because it guarantees me 3 hours with clayton on sundays during dolphins games. and this season he doesn't mind my cuddling in between plays. progress!
- my chest has started hurting regularly again. good thing my new insurance doesn't cover anything asthma related.

smells like someone is wife material

2007-09-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

last night after work i decided to sneak over to clayton's house while he was in class and make him dinner. he has his second test this morning and wouldn't be getting out of class until late last night. i figured he'd be up all night studying and would resort to eating crap, much like he's resorted to eating crap since pa school began. so i swung by publix and then headed over to his house. now, if you don't know me, this might sound like a pretty simple feat. but i am me, and anything involving the stove or raw food of any kind has the potential to be disgusting and even disastrous. but i braved the uncooked chicken and the george foreman with grace, and i even let the chicken sit in italian dressing for a half hour. because i am that domestic. i also made a salad with apples and sunflower seeds, broccoli, and baked beans. yes, you read that correctly. a full, balanced meal compliments of yours truly. in case you can't tell, i was pretty proud of myself.

i ended up staying over there last night, even though that was the last thing i wanted to do. the point was to make him dinner so he could still eat well without wasting time. but the cookies didn't finish (yes, dessert, too) until almost 10:00 and i had to be back in clearwater by 6am this morning. plus, i am pretty sure there was a localized tropical storm right on top of the area stretching from safety harbor to wesley chapel. it was scary. so i stole clayton's bed and made him sleep on the couch the night before a big test. oops. no matter what i do i swear it comes off looking selfish.

what's the extension for security?

2007-09-14T05:05:00.000-07:00

yesterday at work, i came out of the locker room and there was a man standing over by the t.v. with his back towards me. he didn't know anyone else was in the center, so when i said hello, he turned around, startled, and didn't say anything. he just stared at me for a few uncomfortable seconds. then he went about the rest of his workout.

on his way out, he stopped by my desk, and this was our exchange.

man: sorry you caught me adjusting myself earlier.
me: oh. i wouldn't have known if you hadn't told me.
man: oh. well, my pants were riding up, and then your boxers get all twisted. you know how it is.
me: (half smile. in my head: no, sir, i actually don't know how it is. my pants and my boxers stay in their freaking place, thank you. and so do my hands when i'm in public.) well, we're pretty casual here.
man: so i can like scratch and everything.
me: (not so much smiling anymore. in my head: so i can like press charges now and everything.) well, not that casual. that's a little inappropriate.

if you make $3 a day, you're rich by global standards

2007-09-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

here are some things i find myself doing lately:

- watching early seasons of gilmore girls and still crushing on jess
- working
- looking for another job
- missing clayton
- adding to the "wedding ideas" file on my computer
- looking forward to wednesday night bible study
- getting very antsy about wanting to move out
- worrying about how clayton and i will possibly have enough money
- remembering how much fun seattle was this summer
- trying to get over my fear of flying
- hoping that one day clayton wakes up and falls in love with grace family church
- wishing there were more people i could text since i now have unlimited texting priveleges
- writing songs and attempting to put music to them
- really trying to make more girl friends
- freaking out about the nathan/julie wedding being on the same day as the tori/wes wedding
- wondering how on earth c.n. got engaged before i did -- not that it's not awesome, but when did she even start dating?

RE: hey babe

2007-09-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

this is pretty much the reason why i love clayton.

here is an email clayton sent me from my computer while we were sitting next to each other on the couch at my house.

Well I am here at the Alvarez house. Chillin'. Keeping it real. We had chicken, beans, and salad tonight. Boy, was it good! Just that I would send you an email to let you know that I love ya. Well I guess I will let you go someone keeps playing with my face. Now you are playing with you pony tail and saying that I can't be typing if I am not looking at the screen. But guess what Natalie...I was.

it's been over a month and it's still hilarious to me.

to sum up (it's an inside joke)

2007-09-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

i don't know why it bugged me. or why it's still bugging me. i am such a chick, i swear.

the first ever second saturday was fantastic. of course there was a little procrastinating ahead of time by leah and i, but once saturday was here, it was game time. we worked so well together and everything went very smoothly. our volunteers were amazing and really jumped right in, which i think made all the difference. even though i had only met most of these people two hours before, i was so proud of them on the way back to the church. it was so much fun to lead. we had kickball, hula hoops, pizza, and a make-your-own-ice-cream finale. there is a possibility that our monthly visits will combine with the monthly birthday parties metropolitan ministries already has. this means that we will take over the planning and organization of this event that everyone looks forward to. no pressure. and no more procrastinating.

friday night clayton and i hung out with nathan. julie is doing a rotation in daytona for 2 months, so we need to do some babysitting. we actually went to this bar in davis island to see an old friend of mine play with his band. but they didn't end up coming on until after 11, and i had to wake up at 6 the next morning, so we didn't get to see them play. i felt so lame saying goodbye at 10:30. supposedly they play the first friday of every month, so i have to go at least one more time and earn a little more street cred.

i had a little epiphany recently: i am way too smart to make 25, 00o dollars a year. hello, grad school.

but in the meantime (i.e. while clayton is in grad school), there is still a position open at my dad's school for a middle school english teacher. i am debating whether or not to apply. my talk with tori scared me.

also included in this weekend was a lot, and i mean a lot, of football. florida state pains me to watch but i think i have a gene that forces me to (a win is a win, i guess), usf upset auburn resulting in the silent treatment from clayton for the next half hour, the dolphins loss was taken surprisingly well (probably because of how cute i looked in my new dolphins shirt clayton got me), and the bucs blew it in the second half. welcome to my weekends for the next 5 months.

a first time for everything

2007-09-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

1. Last time you got butterflies in your stomach? when I tried on a ring at the mall today
2. What did you dream last night? I was in church and for some reason leah kept talking and I was getting so worried that we were going to get in trouble. I’m a pansy even in my sleep.
3. Does your phone ring in the middle of the night often? When it has, I’ve never heard it. But after 2am, it’s always been my great pal Matt B. I’ve tried and tried to return the favor, but it hasn’t happened yet.
4. Who makes you the happiest? My dollface. Even when I’m not the happiest, I’m still so stinking happy with him.
5. What are you doing tomorrow? Training at two centers in Clearwater; taking an exercise class; maybe hanging with momma because she’s on vacation
6. What is something you've learned about yourself recently? I refuse to set ultimatums because I don’t believe in someone doing something for the wrong reasons. Might as well not do it.
7. Do you like anyone? I like Leah and Mark together. It’s nice to see her with a good fellow.
8. Do you know anyone who is married? Nicole is my favorite person to know who is married. Lots and lots of folks are heading that way, though.
9. What is your favorite number? 12. And it always reminds me of Matt Smith.
10. Who was the last person to make you cry? Me. Being a girl about wanting to be engaged already.
11. Are you outgoing? With people I know, or when I think it will de-awkward a situation. Or when I’ve had a couple.
12. When was the last time you cried? If I’m being really honest, I kind of did today in the car. But a more serious cry took place Monday.
13. What is one thing you miss about your past? No responsibilities. A solid group of friends to always hang out with. Playing organized sports.
14. What is one thing you've learned about life? It will, without fail, turn out differently than anything you thought it would be, for better or for worse.
15. Are you jealous of anyone? I spent enough time being jealous in high school. I’m over it. Usually.
16. Is anyone jealous of you? I wouldn’t be surprised if Claytey had some secret admirers out there waiting for me to screw things up. (Don’t hold your breath, ladies.)
17. Have you ever used a friend? I don’t think I understand the question. I wrote on Nicole’s back once or twice, so I used her like a table. Does that count?
18. Do you think anyone likes you? I think there are people who wouldn’t be too disappointed if I suddenly weren’t with Clayton.
19. Who was the last person you drove with? Brenda Joyce.
20. What are you looking forward to? It was Florida State football until Monday night. I am excited about getting engaged (whenever it may be), the shortest engagement of all time, and Clayton and I starting our life in a cute, cheap, little apartment.
21. How are you today? Pleasant. Refreshed.
22. What's your worst experience? It resulted in a complete lack of respect for what I once considered a second family and a second home. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly reach a place of total forgiveness for people who could have spoken up and didn’t.
23. Are you currently single? Not even close.
24.How many things do you regret in your past? None. What would it change?
25. Do you have a best friend? Clayton is my best pal. But Nicole and Leah and Tori are my very good lady friends.
26. Have you ever kissed two people in one night? No, I am not a mouth whore.
27. Have you ever been in the emergency room? In May, the day after graduation. Those dang chest pains. And I’ve been with my mom more times than I can remember.
28. What's the last movie you watched? Disturbia, starring “the next Tom Hanks.”
29. If you could change anything about your past, what would you change? That’s a pretty silly question. Nothing in my life has been so horrible I’d change it.
30. Have you ever felt like killing somebody? No. Or else I would check myself in somewhere. 31. Do you like your life? I really really do.
32. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed? Last Friday when I thought I was going to see Clayton after work and he had other plans involving a study group and an anatomy text book. Loser.
33. What kind of music do you like? Anything that makes me dance, think, or cry. Or all of the above.
34. Ever have an encounter with the police? I’ve gotten my fair share of tickets…esp parking violations at FSU.
35. Do you have more friends that are girls or guys? I think guys, maybe. Girls kind of scare me. I don’t fit in. And I’m friends with all my ex boyfriends. Clayton loves it.
36. How long have you had myspace? Over a year, but I didn’t become addicted until early this year.
37. Have you ever fallen asleep with someone of the opposite sex? Like half the time I spend with Clayton I’m asleep.
38. What’s one thing you wish you could be better at? Standing up for myself.
39. Have you ever had feelings for someone who lived in another state? There was a kid I met my first summer at FSU when Clayton was taking too long to make his move. He was cute and played the bongos and I had a crush on him. I think he lived in North Carolina. Not a bad basketball player, either. But then Claytey got it together, realized what a catch I was, and Carolina was history.
40. What are some of your biggest fears of your life? being miserable at my job, children ruining my relationship with my husband
41. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? A ridiculous number of times in high school. Things were so dramatic.
42. Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? Recently. And it’s very unfortunate and distracting.
43. Do you play any instruments? I can play one song on the piano.
44. Have you kissed any one on your top list? My first kiss is on my top list
45. Do you like to sing? I do, but I get super shy about it around other people.
46. What's the one thing you hope to accomplish in your life? I want to be satisfied with my life in general when I look back on it.
47. Are looks important? The most important thing, really. In the end, it’s all you have.
48. What are you listening to? Gilmore Girls, season 3
49. What does the 6th text you got on your mobile say? It’s from a very sweet conversation I had with my cousin who recently moved to California to pursue a music career. We are kindred spirits, and we were realizing how crazy it is that we both came from our super conservative, very close-minded family.
50. Do you believe in love? Every time I look at Clayton.

"we're lapping you, nat."

2007-09-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

it is getting to be a little unbearable to watch every single boyfriend i know realize that his girlfriend is amazing and he doesn't want to wait a second longer to spend the rest of his life with her. i really can't help but look at myself and wonder why i'm not worth it, why i'm not special enough to make someone want to dive in head first no matter what our situation might be. money and timing only hold weight for so long before you start looking deeper. she was right -- there were months to plan for this.

why didn't you?

i'm afraid it's not going to mean anything anymore. i think about what i might feel, and all that's left is relief. that's not what that moment should be. i'm angry and hurt that you've waited so long, that i've never meant enough to you to make you just shut up, stop thinking, and do it.

this is me, and you've known that for four years. what is supposed to be an outpouring of excitement and anticipation and love has turned into bitterness and tension and tears. i hate that it's tainted with "it's about time." i didn't deserve that.

it never will be the fairytale.

overdue

2007-08-31T11:52:00.001-07:00

i may not like it and i may complain about it, but i am dealing with it. just like i have dealt with it for the last four years. the girl whose boyfriend has to work, the girl whose boyfriend has to study. i have been the third wheel too many times to count. i'm just so tired of waiting and waiting and waiting. i love you, you're worth it; i get that. all i'm saying is, it's been a long flipping time, and i'm here. a lot of girls wouldn't be. i think i deserve a little credit.

needless to say, the countdown to the end of p.a. school has begun.

gyms, gems, and a jim

2007-08-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

i hope he wasn't offended. sometimes the sarcasm just doesn't translate electronically. and sometimes the sarcasm just isn't funny.

maybe i should stop talking to nicole (see, that was sarcastic). it makes me miss her so much. i hate being outside the everyday, tiny details. it sucks sucks sucks being so far away. i am horrible at having close girl friends. i don't know how to do it; i am not perky or bouncy or outgoing. but nicole has always gotten me and there is such a huge hole without her.

thankfully, i have developed this fresh, new friendship with a very old, old friend. leah and i have rediscovered our bond and i couldn't be more excited to have her in my life again. i really believe that god meant for us to be here together, to go through this stage together.

i am proud of him. i feel like i was always one of the ones that saw it -- that believed he could if he just would. and he did. and i'm happy for him, for them.

working has put me in such a good mood. i felt so guilty when i wasn't doing anything. at least right now, i am relishing coming home and feeling tired but productive. and i know i'm not changing the world or anything, but i like what i'm doing. i believe in it, and i applaud the people who are taking the steps to change their lives. so even if it is only noticeable in my small circle or in one person, i am making my difference.

after my first class on tuesday, a few of the ladies said they weren't going to be able to walk the next day. i took it as a compliment. who knew the perfect mix of jane fonda and drill instructor would just come pouring out of me once that madonna started playing. it is an incredible feeling to do something for the first time and not bomb. or pass out. try it!

you can take the girl out of college...

2007-08-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the first day of what promises to be a very intense, very time-consuming year and a half for my b.f. he starts physician assistant school at 8am in the morning and i can't help but worry that i won't see him again until 6pm on the night of his coating ceremony a year from now. i am so completely excited about his taking the first steps towards his career, and i know there is a part of him that is doing all of this for me -- to be able to take care of me. i love him for that. i went with him to buy his first pair of scrubs this weekend. i am so proud of him i can't put it into words. but there is such an ugly selfish part of me that comes to the surface when i am in situations like this, e.g. clayton's entire run with the athletic training program. i am trying so so hard to prepare myself for this next phase so that i don't go completely nuts when a week goes by and i haven't seen him. it's getting harder, though, as every hour we're apart i realize more and more that i never want to be apart from him. i apologize that this entire site has turned into nothing but me gushing about clayton, but i promise he deserves it.

tuesday i am teaching my very first group exercise classes. who would have ever thought.

one thing that should help keep me busy is a service project i am involved in at church. there is a big community outreach mission starting on the second saturday of every month. volunteers can show up and choose where they would like to serve that day, from local parks to single mothers' homes. leah and i are leading one of the children's ministry teams. i am pretty excited to finally be getting involved in something like this. i am actually doing, instead of just talking. we had a meeting this week to go over some details with our contacts at the site. i felt like such a grown up...except that no one told me how formal the meeting was and i showed up in a tank top and flip flops. sorry, but it's freaking summer in florida.

another afternoon at the mall

2007-08-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

I see the twinkle play hide and seek with the numbers crunching in the corner of your eyes as the white gold flirts with the low lighting and the lust in my smile. The center stone remains a mystery we’ll wait and see about, but my finger is left naked in its honesty of letting you see how I’d wait for your knee for eternity.
Does it help if I promise to say yes if you ask?
Back to the heat of the waiting car and the familiarity of nights apart. One more day to dream about the rest of our life I’m planning without knowing for sure it’s ours for the taking but I swear I’m not making any ultimatums when this heart is at stake dangling cautiously over the crystal clear counter.

look at me, i'm twenty-three

2007-08-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

birthday weekend was nice. friday night i was tired after work, but clayton and i grabbed a drink at frenchy's on the beach. we sat outside right on the water and it was romantic and surprisingly relaxing. saturday i went shopping (because that's one of my all time favorite things to do for my birthday), played tennis with my dollface, and went out to hyde park cafe with some friends. i was glad that everyone i asked showed up, but almost everyone left really early. gabe and danielle stepped up and lasted until i started seeing double and had to call it a night. i won't get into details, but let's just say on the way home it was a very good thing someone had brought me a gift bag. it was super nice of tracy and josue to come...and even stay longer than my best friends. i think it would be so adorable if we all became friends.

i know it's cheesy, but i told clayton that since he moved down here i have fallen in love with him all over again. and i meant it.

you guys give up or are you thirsty for more?

2007-08-12T09:15:00.001-07:00

is it sad that two of my absolute favorite holiday movies are home alone and home alone 2? i will ponder as i watch the latter right now.

so i didn't get exactly what i was hoping to get with the job situation, but i was offered some regular part time weekly shifts. still pretty exciting considering the nothing i had going on. the pay is not bad at all and i worked last thursday and friday, and have four full days next week. after that i will work monday and friday in tampa and, if they need me, in any of the regional centers tuesday through thursday. it's great experience and the interviewer seemed to really like me. she told me that when something full time opens up, i will be the first choice.

the center in clearwater is ten minutes away from clayton's house. is that a good excuse to stay over or what?

my only concerns are: the gas to get to clearwater or bradenton 3 days a week, having to be in clearwater or bradenton by 6am, and not being eligible for benefits. i'll have to get some tips from nicole and josh who both had to open at starbucks at ungodly hours in the morning.

it finally feels like things are moving, like i'm not just waiting or standing still.

on that note, clayton and i were walking around the mall last week and he suggested we go look at rings. we sort of played this game a couple of months ago, but that time we just walked awkwardly through a jewelry store trying not to make eye contact with the salespeople. not really knowing which rings we were supposed to be looking at, we spent most of our time giggling by the watches. but this time, we went straight to the rings and i even tried one on. and then clayton asked, "don't they have things to tell you what size you are?" and so i got sized. now any time we start bickering, i like to say, "remember that time i tried on a ring?"

2007-08-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

i know i'm a jerk. it's a big deal, i promise. i am so so sorry.

some things you may or may not know

2007-07-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

my first attempt at doing this was a big fat flop. i'm going to try again now because there's not a better time to search for meaningful insights into your soul than 2:19am.

1. if he asked, and i pretty much think about him asking every single day, i would lose myself in sobbing blubbering yesses.

2. when i came home for the first time after my dog had died, that night i sat outside and cried for two hours.

3. i still remember so distinctly and regret completely the one time i ever told my brother i hated him, even though i was only about eight years old and i'm sure he totally deserved it. i also threw a basketball at him when i said it. i have never told my parents i hated them, and i can honestly say that i've never thought it.

4. i have researched plastic surgery. i mean, you can only stare at your profile so many times before you'll consider anything to get some freaking cleavage.

5. i think i'm ready to start cursing. for serious. in real life. i tried it out a little last weekend when clayton and i were sitting on the beach. some little kids walked by and, like it's the law or something, they were all wearing those rubber cloggy brightly colored things on their feet. so i said, after a pretty decent debate in my head about whether or not i should, "those damn clogs." clayton basically ignored it. which is a lot better than backhanding me and breaking up with me, which is what i was afraid of, so i think it's a go.

i made some coffee tonight at 11:33pm. i meant to make decaf but forgot. and i think we all know a perfectly fresh pot of coffee in a newly cleaned coffee maker is just not going to go to waste on my watch. that is where this is coming from.

oh, and it's shark week!

2007-07-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

here's the thing. in my head, i know that dealing with my little funk in this way is thoroughly shallow, disgustingly girly, and, in the long run, ineffective.

but today my saint of a mother bought me a cute new summery tube dress that for once in my life doesn't look like it needs to be taken in about three sizes in the boob region. it fit. everywhere. and now it's hanging on the door frame of my closet waiting to be worn to church in the morning where who knows who might show up, and i have to admit that i am feeling an unhealthy amount of better.

and just because God decided not to go halfway on this one, i fit into a size 3.

it should also be mentioned that another thing that might be helping to mend my mood today is the fact that a certain boyfriend of mine will be unpacking his bags in a house no more than 45 minutes away from mine tomorrow! bienvenido, dollface.

did i mention i was valedictorian?

2007-07-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

this is crap. i went to school for five years, borrowed a couple thousand dollars from the government thinking it would be worth it, and killed myself to get a's. for what? to move back home and sit on my parents' couch looking for any kind of remotely decent job in or outside of this ridiculously useless field in which i got my degree. why didn't someone tell me? or punch me in the face? i really needed a solid wake up call about five and a half years ago that screamed "major in business! go to nursing school! do anything but what you're passionate about!" but instead, i got the degree that is only useful for those who want to turn right around and get another degree. it's not a major; it's a freaking stepping stone. but what do you do if you don't have any idea about what the next step is supposed to be? i know what you do: you sit on your parents' couch looking for any kind of remotely decent job in or outside of this ridiculously useless field in which you got your degree.

and what really helps is getting asked every single day if i found a job yet and have i thought about what i really want to do and is going back to school going to be worth it and is this just a recording that you've started playing when you walk in the door or are you actually still genuinely asking me these questions.

it's not my parents' fault, though. it can't be too comforting for them to calcualte what they have spent on my education and living costs over the past five years and now come home to me sitting on their couch every day and giving them that please don't ask me again glare.

of all the things i've ever imagined being when i graduated from college, even the unlikely dreams, any one of them seems a far better alternative to what i can't help but consider myself today: a failure.

low maintenance is my middle name

2007-07-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

clayton and i spent this weekend on cumberland island national seashore celebrating four excellent years of dating success. some highlights:

- i am no longer freaked out by armadillos. i may even think they are kind of cute.

- i am now scared of wild horses. they like to play a game where they run full speed in your general direction and make you jump over a wooden fence that says "no trespassing." i don't like that game. and no matter what clayton says, he doesn't like it either.

- beach + sand dunes > forest + humidity + mosquitoes

- sleeping in a tent in southern georgia in the middle of summer is not a very good idea. BUT, dancing and laughing outside your tent in the middle of the night to stay cool is a very, very good idea.

clayton and i spent our actual anniversary eating oatmeal for breakfast, walking to the ruins on the end of the island, watching wild horses and turkeys, walking over sand dunes and along the beach, building a fire, making spaghetti and s'mores, drinking wine at dusk on a deserted beach, finishing the bottle of wine in rocking chairs overlooking the dock, and walking cautiously back to our campsite in the dark arm in arm. basically, it couldn't have been better.

i like this kid.

2007-07-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

2007-07-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

i knew i should have moved to new york! if it's free...

it makes me giggle that some people i know would no longer qualify.

Welcome to the "What I Should Have Said Theater"

2007-07-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

There are only two things that I really feel I should apologize for:
1) Not having a penis. I should have trusted that overwhelming suspicion that presented itself not more than 2 weeks after I started here and continually manifested itself whenever I received any tiny snapshot into your personal life that there was not much potential for my success at your establishment if I could not swap locker room stories about the trashy women we bagged the night before. Don't worry, I made sure to thoroughly wash my hands after we handled the same equipment.
2) Not agreeing to falsely contribute to your life-sized ego out of desperation or fear like the rest of your staff is forced to do in order to continue to get a paycheck. The respect that you so laughingly crave and expect from your subordinates is so utterly undeserved on both personal and professional fronts that I was made aware of that from the staff themselves in quite explicit terms the second you were out of earshot. It is amusing that while you are probably patting yourself on the back for the stand that you have made to this unbelievably out of line intern, most of your employees are envying the luxury I am enjoying of never having to deal with you again.

if it's a letter you want...

2007-07-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work there was an incident that was seemingly insignificant to myself and the other intern. But an hour after it happened, we were called into our supervisor's office and made aware of just how significant it had been to him. He told us both to leave, and if we wished to continue here, we needed to write a letter telling him what exactly we wanted to gain from this experience. I was so shocked and enraged that I could barely speak. So I drove to Starbucks, got a drink, and wrote him a letter that wasn't quite what he had asked for. Most of these snippets are from this first emotional draft. The version I actually sent retained many of the same ideas but was not, as was this first letter, intended to be the last he heard from me. I left the decision of my finishing the internship up to him.

Generally speaking, the knowledge and hands-on experience I have gained to date have very infrequently involved your presence or particiaption. Of the 154 hours I have spent here, the fraction actually spent with my "supervisor" is laughable.

I have showed up, day after day (lest we forget for no grade and no pay), never knowing if my supervisor is going to speak to me in the eight hours I stand in front of him, or even if he will be there that day.

I understand how you must have felt today when people who were supposed to be there to help you made you feel like you were the least of their concerns -- I have felt similar most days I have showed up to be ignored, gossiped about, forgotten, or underestimated by my superior.

I cannot convince myself to endure further humiliation and unprofessionalism after such an overreaction to a simple misunderstanding

It can also be discouraging to hear that my perceived failure is the next day's expletive-laden water cooler topic of conversation.

I thought it necessary to describe my experiences from the last few weeks to illustrate how much I must need this position if I keep bothering to show up in the face of such unprofessional disregard for me presence.

and then there were two

2007-07-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

i already miss him. i know that i love clayton because this weekend i agreed to go searching through junk yards in the ghetto, i walked around a thousand car dealerships in the 100 degree florida heat, i drove to safety harbor two days in a row to look at a house he might live in, and i had the best time ever.

nathan and julie came over tonight. we talked a lot about the wedding, especially julie and i. i assumed that newly engaged girls would rather talk about their wedding than anything else. it's exciting, and i am happy for them. but at the same time, it almost feels like some kind of joke is being played on me. i could write a book of people i know who have gotten married or engaged in the last two years. it's easy to say that the timing is not right for clayton and i; we are broke and still have several years of school left. but as much as i am trying to play it so very cool, i am getting antsy.

i recommend:
- the movie "breach"
- your new boyfriend wearing a hot new outfit from the gap when meeting certain people for the first time
- convincing your boyfriend to wear said outfit without telling him why
- skipping the popular beach and watching the just-as-pretty sunset from a more secluded park
- being honest about how you feel about the new facial hair
- taking a lot of pictures with a self-timer
- not fishing for compliments so the ones you get are sincerely appreciated
- being nice and meaning it to people who don't expect it
- putting the camera away for the last few minutes of the sunset
- getting lost and laughing about it
- using one hand to drive and the other to give your girlfriend a neck massage the entire way to dinner
- going home to cuddle when you can't think of anything to do
- rolling down the window for one more kiss before you drive away

you couldn't pay me to wear these genes

2007-07-03T17:27:00.000-07:00

let's take a brief inventory of the last few days in my mother's medical history, shall we:

monday: swam laps

tuesday: started having trouble breathing

wednesday: saw doctor; had chest x-ray that was returned as "abnormal"

thursday: called to ask wtf "abnormal" meant and was told it was either scar tissue or a collapsed lung

friday: difficulty breathing continues; calls daughter who leaves work to meet her at the e.r.; another chest x-ray, an ekg, and blood work all come back normal; doctor says he doesn't know what the other docs were looking at when they saw a collapsed lung

saturday: mom and pops leave for vacation; arrive in georgia; mom calls daughter to ask if her asthma ever included feeling like her throat was closing because maybe mom has developed asthma...?

sunday: parents leave georgia six days early to come back home; after mom reports trouble breathing and tingling in left arm, daughter calls 911; ambulance takes mother to a different e.r. where she receives the same tests with the same results while daughter sits in waiting room for three hours; all signs point to a panic attack

monday: mom's dark day; talks to no one

tuesday: daughter woken up by mother who says she is dizzy and needs to be driven to the chiropractor; mother and daughter spend two hours at the chiropractor and then another hour at a diagnostic office getting a neck x-ray; mother convinced by chiropractor that problems have been caused by an agitated disc in her neck; mother seems relieved to rub it in everyone's faces that her symptoms were not, as everyone seemed to think, caused by anxiety

wednesday: daughter moves out of house and into her car so she doesn't have to hear one more word about mother's back, neck, throat, legs, arms, shoulder blades, lungs, breathing, or weight.

improving my street cred

2007-06-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

i needed last night--keeps me young. and now i have something to hang over my brother's head if i ever need a favor.

and seeing my adorable sixth grade boyfriend and his wife was icing on the cake!

the good, the bad, and the unprofessional

2007-06-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

more than the field experience, turns out this internship is going to be a great way to learn how to work for free for a complete and total dick -- after this summer i will be an expert on faking professionalism and courtesy for a person whom i have absolutely no respect for.

in happier news, exactly three years and eleven months ago, i came home to find a dozen roses in front of my door with a note asking if i would be clayton noa's girlfriend. i was asked to check yes or no. i think we all know what box i chose. tonight we were discussing plans for the big four year mark. we found an island in southern georgia where we can camp, rent bikes, kayak, and (hopefully!) see sea turtles lay eggs. and i convinced clayton that we should stay at the campground that has bathrooms and cold showers, not the backwoods sites that require you to dig a hole. it was either pay an extra two dollars a night, or be prepared to stay at least three feet away from me the whole weekend. looks like we're in for some cuddling.

it's official

2007-06-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

i have mild asthma.

i heard a story tonight of a guy who bought his girlfriend of six years a $13,000 engagement ring and a dress to wear for a fancy dinner he had planned. she had no idea of the ring or the dress, and before he proposed, she broke up with him. the first thing i thought was, poor guy. she must have broken up with him completely out of the blue. and then, immediately after that, the second thing i thought was, why does that sound exactly like something i would do?

i made a deal with clayton. if he can get that ring, i promised not to break up with him.

abuela

2007-06-17T21:05:00.001-07:00

my grandmother on my father's side passed away last week. i got a call while sitting at red mill in seattle eating a veggie burger. i felt guilty for not letting myself feel grief or sadness while i was away when i knew my family was having to face the situation without me. clayton and i arrived in tampa on tuesday morning at 11am. the memorial service for my grandmother was at 3:00pm. by that time, i hadn't slept in almost thirty hours. i don't sleep on planes anymore. so even there, i still couldn't wrap my head around what was going on. but then my dad got up to speak. he had a page of notes but only managed to thank everyone for coming and thank my aunts for taking care of my grandmother before he was too upset to speak. people who know my father know he doesn't cry; he doesn't become overwhelmed with emotion. i have never seen him like that before. and so i cried, not for the loss of my grandmother, though i did love her dearly, but for my father's loss of his mother. i can't imagine what it feels like to not have parents on this earth.

i went to visit my grandma alvarez the day before i left for seattle. she had been put in the hospital a few days earlier, and we all knew that she wasn't going to get better this time. she had a condition (similar to alzheimer's) that had been getting progressively worse for the last couple of years; on holidays we never knew if she would remember who we were. sometimes tony and i were lucky and she would say "of course i know who you are!" and she would really mean it. other times we were met with her sad, hollow eyes and half-smile that couldn't fake her confusion. but whenever my dad would come in, and she'd hear "kenny's here," her eyes would light up. my dad is a lot like his mother -- they would sit outside and look at the grass for hours, not having to say anything and still having the best time. but my grandmother was a feisty spanish lady. she taught my little cousin curse words in spanish. she would always remind us as simply as possible that "she wasn't dead yet." at the hospital, i was alone with her. the room was dark and she looked like she was sleeping. she was small and weak and the immediate shock of the state she was in upset me. she was always sassy and so full of life. now she was lying there struggling to breathe. i tried to talk to her, but i don't handle stuff like that very well. i didn't know what to say and it felt strange to talk loud in that dark room, so she probably didn't hear anything i said. i would cry every few minutes when i would really look at her and know this was the last time i would see her. my dad said she had been reverting back to speaking spanish, so i tried to speak some spanish to her. i couldn't remember the word for granddaughter, so i told her i was the daughter of kenny. i left when the nurses came in and started feeding her.

i did love my grandmother, and i will miss her. but my heart aches for my father who must quietly miss her every day.

pathetic, party of one.

2007-06-14T20:04:00.001-07:00

clayton told me tonight on the phone that he misses me. he said that after going back to tallahassee and talking to girls at work, he knows that i'm not like any other girl. i almost cried.

and then i spent the rest of the night looking at wedding dresses online.

travis and i had a brief but profound exchange at the airport while clayton wasn't around. he said after spending a few days with clayton, he approves (which was actually important for me to hear) and that he thinks we are on the right track. i told him how i didn't want clayton to decide to marry me out of pressure or obligation or ultimatum. he nodded and thought for a second wearing a typical travis face. and then said, "just don't wait forever."

i feel like this moment, this time apart, is giving me the space i need to decide where the line is between waiting for the right time and not waiting for forever.

josueandnicole.com

2007-06-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

i spent 14 of the last 36 hours catching up on the sleep that i've missed in the last week. translation: last night i went to bed at 7:00pm and woke up this morning at 11:00am.

but to say that it has been worth it would be quite the understatement. clayton and i left for seattle last wednesday. we spent thursday figuring out the seattle bus system, and i must say that we are route 16 experts. we found target first, and then the space needle. i thought that it was kind of endearing that clayton couldn't pretend like the 16 dollar admission fee was worth the view from the top of the 600+ foot tower. a triumph of physics for some, but just so-so to my boyfriend. after that we walked the mere 34 blocks to pike place market. we only had to ask for directions once, which was surprising to me. in most places, i don't mind looking like a tourist, but in seattle i am so embarrassed to be labeled as such...maybe because it just doesn't have the same feeling as other tourist-y cities. the citizens have this attitude of 'sure it's nice, but it's home. no biggie.' so i made clayton put the map away. thursday night was bachelor party #1. the girls were generously allowed to attend after 10:30 pm, when the stripper was safe and stowed away (i kid). so lesley (the other bridesmaid), nicole, and i went. i drank an impressively dark beer for a girl.

friday clayton, lesley, matt, and i went to the locks. last year, it was my favorite part of the trip. but the salmon wasn't jumping (yes, there was only one lonely fish). however, the real fun was had at the photo shoot in the botanical gardens. who knew that we would create an instant fab four for the remainder of the trip. we really played well together.
friday night was bachelor party #2, and this one was no girls allowed. clayton still won't tell me what went on.

saturday and sunday were consumed with wedding activities: setting up and hosting a shower for nicole, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, sleepover with the bridesmaids (nicole and bethany lasted about 10 minutes), getting ready for a wedding, and the grand finale: a wedding.

it is very hard to describe what a privelege it is to watch the story of two people who are so obviously made for each other unfold right in front of you. i met nicole, and then i met josh. and now there is a josh and nicole. forever. the whole weekend was filled with this overwhelming outpouring of love and support from friends and family who all see the same beautiful picture of a perfectly designed companionship. it is impossible to imagine two people who fit together and compliment each other better than nicole and josh. i was a little surprised at how emotional the whole idea made me, but i love nicole so much. i have always felt this need to protect her. but despite her adorable little frame, nicole does not need protecting. and i learned again this week something that i am constantly reminded of about my best friend -- that nicole knows exactly who she is, what she believes, and what she wants. she does not need someone to protect or defend her, she needs someone to understand her. she does not need someone to carry her, she needs someone to hold her hand and let her walk on her own. she has found all of this in josh, and to see him look in her eyes and commit to being her partner for the rest of her life was a tangible definition of what marriage should mean. to be there for that moment will be one of the greatest blessings i will ever be given.

natalie?

2007-06-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had the privelege of experiencing what might be the most uncomfortable thirty seconds of my young life. it wouldn't have been so completely awkward had it taken place anywhere else besides a church bathroom. but it makes a funny anecdote. and the five minutes that followed were surprisingly normal. i like to create scenarios in my head with a hollywood amount of drama and emotion. in real life, it was two strangers meeting and two old friends catching up.

i have learned a few things about myself recently:
i have more pride than i give myself credit for.
i am mostly ok with how i look.
i am terrified of just settling.

if i sang out of tune

2007-06-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

looks like they are now my dinner-with-leah-and-dara jeans. which is perfectly fine by me.

i think it is so refreshing that, no matter how hard we deny it, we are all exactly the same as we were in 7th grade.

a special one-time deal on a pre-owned heart

2007-06-01T19:49:00.000-07:00

being in tampa is starting to get lonely.

last weekend, however, was anything but lonely. thursday night in tallahassee was a whole lot more fun than i was anticipating. i went to aj's with clayton, tori, wes, elizabeth, johnny, erin, and two of tori's friends. also in aj's were the twelve other people left in tallahassee for the summer. so we basically had the place to ourselves. a couple games of really bad pool playing and several drinks later, we were having a grand ol' time.

friday clayton and i went to pace for meredith's wedding. i realized that being in pace is no longer scary. it actually felt comfortable -- something i thought might never happen. it helped that we stayed at meredith's and not at clayton's parents' house. meredith looked gorgeous. if this makes sense, she looked exactly how i think she should have looked on her wedding day. she looked like meredith, only a very pretty getting-married meredith. that's how i want to look on my wedding day.

i also realized that if anyone writes "get 'er done" on the car that i am supposed to be driving away in, i will refuse to get in it.

tomorrow i am going shopping for haven't-seen-him-in two-years jeans. i am more nervous than i'd say out loud.

enough about me

2007-05-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

my best friend is getting married in 3 weeks!

i hope i don't forget to pack my bridesmaid dress.

only i know what i am talking about.

2007-05-17T21:25:00.000-07:00

it didn't take me very long to find it. surprising, because i had something so very specific in mind. and then there it was -- it said everything i'd wanted to say in four short words.

guess what?
chicken butt.

a time for cursing

2007-05-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

this is getting beyond frustrating. three weeks, three doctors, two inhalers, 20 blood-drawing pricks, and seven shots later absolutely nothing has changed. excpet that i might be pre-allergic to dust. thanks, doc. here's 40 dollars. i keep getting these images of my story appearing on "mystery diagnosis" on tlc. i know i have a ways to go before that happens, but the point is no one has any idea what the heck is wrong with me and in the meantime i'm walking around completely terrified with a pain in my chest. but i'm just supposed to go about my business and "see what happens." wait an entire month for something else to not work. drag this whole process out into a year before someone can look me in the eye and tell me what this is.

i'm trying not to be a baby. but i'm scared.